July 26, 2009 | Humor

I, Myself, Travel Amongst Yon Waves!

My friends, Hear me!

Please heed my advice and prepare for activities of a salty nature... come forth to the gunwale, but keep your wits about you!

We are thoroughly in control of this situation; follow in our wake!

I sail on this boat! You must recognize the fact that I am sailing on this boat! I sail on this boat and I must demand of you that you appreciate the finer qualities of this ship, this Paragon of Nautical Craft!

I sail, knave, and you shall know my prowess, as I cast my lot with the current in the great unknown of the Ocean! I travel at great speed! My petticoat comes undone! I cannot be caught while I remain on this ship!

Immortalize this moment, frequenter of common whores, as I sail on my boat! Hereupon we shall consume only the finest of provisions, Champagne du Santana, crisp, refreshing and delicious.

I am enjoying the comfort of my swimming clothes and casual footwear while I endeavor to prepare grilled meats for my Companions while you stand among peons, performing your menial labor, duplicating mundane documents!

Furthermore, while you remain shorebound, I am using aquatic mammals for the purpose of casual locomotion, and they are of a playful sort, so we have been performing all manner of acrobatics as well! The ladies and gentlemen on the deck are most thoroughly soaked!

Yet I admonish you! This is not a merely a venue for appreciating the levity of sea beasts! This is a matter of utmost importance and we consider it seriously! I am on a boat, which fact I demand you in your memory for all time!

This boat on which I sail travels with great haste! My scarf, embroidered as it is with ropes, rings and other maritime devices, flaps in the wind! Much as that great hero of the Titanic, I feel myself capable of commanding all the Earth’s myriad legions!

Surely if you remain on land, you cannot understand my position...

{ RISE! This craft DEMANDS your respect! }

I scoff at the putrid dirt on which ye trod as I sail my boat! And trees are far beneath my station while I frolic among the buoys! I stand among my honorable Companions, peasant, and the power of this boat’s locomotors produce a most audacious racket!

O Mother, I wish that you could look down upon me in my Glory! I stand at the prow with my arms wide and I promise you truly: I shall, by some means, by my art!, discover a way to carry myself even unto the Moon upon this Grand Vessel!

As the great sages spake, ALL THINGS CAN BE MADE REAL!

Never in my life have I dreamed myself in this position! The ocean is like unto a great azure boulevard!

O Posiedon, God of the Deeps, TURN YOUR VISAGE TOWARD ME AND QUAKE!

I could not have imagined this day!

A Yacht, a Schooner, or a Man-O-War approaching nigh!

You must believe I will use it to my advantage!! Already I have surely performed sexual acts with yonder EXQUISITE MAIDEN OF THE SEA!

Yes, I sail, and you must recognize the wonder of MYSELF while I travel so!

I sail, I sail, I sail on this boat and once again I must require of you : recognize the superiority of this Conveyance!

  • Tumblr
  • Reddit
  • Pinterest